


Tender is the touch (Of someone that you love too much)

by cigarettesandalcohol



Series: I get round to loving you (Is that such a crime?) [9]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Brother/Brother Incest, Discussion of Rape, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Guilt, Heavy Angst, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Past Rape/Non-con, Sibling Incest, and very very very toxic also, it might differ in other countries?, technically not underage in France
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-08-16
Packaged: 2020-05-07 08:43:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19205887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cigarettesandalcohol/pseuds/cigarettesandalcohol





	1. Chapter 1

"So?"

He talked Maud into taking a ride with him, just like during the _old times_. Well, during _the one time_ they made their own trip into the countryside; it was just after Maud had passed her driving license test and she took Antoine on a one day trip with her. Antoine still remembered the feeling of that afternoon - it really was rare for him to get some alone time just with his sister. She grew up, she grew older, she grew wiser, and she moved away from the family house as soon as could. 

It was hard to explain, but in a way, Antoine felt jealous of her.

It was even harder to explain and vindicate, but sometimes, he thought about what could have been had he not been home back home then, when things took the sick turn. What if Maud was home back then? Would the same thing have happened to her? What if she was in his place? Was it Théo's fault? Was it, really? He was the one acting terribly. 

And now, watching Maud at the wheel, looking relaxed and fine in all possible meanings, filled him with a sick feeling of jealousy. She was the wise one that got away easily.

"You promised me a big secret."

He shook his head, feeling his insides all twitch and turn. Her innocent tone was making him gag; for her, it was all about some juicy secret and gossip.

"I think you should stop somewhere then."

"Come on, we're grownups now. I think I can take it."

"I really mean it."

 "What? What is it about?"

"We should stop at some gas station."

"Nah, come on! You're making it such a big deal, you're worse than all my friends when they want to gossip."

 "I did something terrible."

She glanced over at him, trying to read his expression, but quickly returned back to watching the traffic on the road in front of them without reacting.

 After a few moments (which Antoine used for taking deep, calming breaths), she turned to him again. "To Théo?"

That was a tricky one. Antoine almost said " _Yes_ " too fast but he managed to stop his own eagerness to finally get the pain off his chest. "Well...it's all about him."

Where to start?

What was the first indicator of things going wrong?

Where the _fuck_ should he begin?

"Just stop somewhere," he pleaded again, already knowing Maud would make an annoyed face again and shrug and laugh at him. "Or I'll be sick."

She sighed theatrically, giving up. "Alright, you coward. Why did you want to go for a ride then?"

"I really don't need anyone to recognize me now," he said, sinking into his seat. "This feels...kinda nice."

It feels _safe_ , most of all.

No unexpected fans around. No Erika, no other members of his family. No Théo. No hugs from behind, no fondling with his curly hair, no breathy whispers against his neck, no waves of disgust rolling over him.

 "Alright, _Mr. Mysterious_ ," she laughed as she turned the right blinker on, to get safely to the gas station parking. "We're here." She was reasonable enough to park away from other cars and minimize the danger of Antoine being seen by anyone.

 "Thanks."

 She folded her hands on the wheel and turned to him, not even unbuckling the seatbelt. Her naivety and belief that it's going to take one or two minutes and they'll go on seemed ridiculously sweet to Antoine, who had to bite the inside of his mouth to stop himself from desperate hysterical laugh.

"I hurt him," he mumbled, feeling the weight of those words (and of what their further meaning) on his shoulders.

"How?" 

He can hear the calmness of her voice, the genuine interest, and care that she probably feels.

Is he even allowed to ruin her world too?

Isn't Théo enough?

"I did a terrible thing."

"You already said that."

He rubbed his eyes in an exhausted, sleepy manner; in fact, he just couldn't look at his sister or even just see her with the corner of his eye. He couldn't. He couldn't see her face, her expression of shock with what he was about to say.

"We - " Oh God, he can't blame Théo now, can he? He can't say 'we' when there's no 'we' now, it's just him and Maud, and he's telling this to Maud, with Théo probably wasting his life away as usual - it's not 'them' confessing, it's just him. "I - I touched him - " ( _Touched him? Once? Twice?)_ "I did things to him - " ( _No, no, no, no, NO, NO )"_ \- that nobody should ever do to their brother - "

 "What are you talking about?"

Yes, she's terrified. He could hear that with his eyes shut tightly. 

"Oh God," he moaned, covering his whole face with his hand. "Oh God, please - " His howl, heartbreakingly raw and real, probably paralyzed Maud for a few seconds because there's been a moment of complete silence in the car before he could hear her shift in her seat.

"What did you do?" she asked breathlessly.

She knew, she had to know by now, she had to be aware of that - and still she wanted to hear him say it, put it in words while there was no way of describing what exactly had happened.

He clenched his fists in desperation.

"I slept with him."

He could hear at least five of his own heartbeats before Maud spoke. "What did you say?"

" _You know that_."

He could picture the confusion, disbelief and disgust all combined in her eyes, yet he didn't dare to look. 

"What?"

She was still refusing to believe what he had said, and it was tearing his heart apart.

"I fucked him, okay?! Not once, not twice - "

"Are you mad? What are you talking about?"

"We have a relationship - a sick, twisted, wrong one - "

"He's your brother, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"I know! I know, I know, I know all of this - "

"What are you - what the fuck, Antoine, what are you even - "

He shook his head like a little petulant child, refusing to understand what he was being told. "That's it."

She didn't say a thing. Actually, he could hear her gasp for more air, and then exhale again, and somehow, he was expecting being hit by her - just because he actually said all of that. He expected her to hit him - although she's never done that - in response to his confession, so he just slumbered down and held his breath while still covering his face - but she didn't do anything.

"What the fuck, Antoine? It's not - why are you saying this?"

"It's true," he mumbled.

"No, no, no - it  can't be - you're talking about _Théo_."

Just the name itself made his insides twitch and tumble.

"I know. I fucked him," he said emotionlessly.

She stared at him for a moment - he could feel that gaze burning through his flesh - and then, the hit finally came, almost liberating. "What the fuck are you talking about?!" she screamed as she punched him; once, twice - and he welcomed each hit as a blessing. "Your little brother - ! Why are you even saying this, are you fucking sick or what?!"

"He made me."

A moment of silence - and then, Maud grabbed him by his arm. "What are you saying?"

Her urgent, loud voice echoed through his brain and he thought of all the moments of his life when he'd felt helpless - this was by far the worst of them. And still, he welcomed the painful grasp of his arms, the fire in Maud's eyes and the loud shrieking voice of hers - it was all just a fragment of the hate he deserved. 

 "I fucked him," he repeated, and somehow, those words seemed to ease the pain around his heart in the span of seconds. Yes, yes, he fucked him, he fucked him more than once - 

He wished to scream all the details in Maud's face but still couldn't manage to even just look at her.

"I touched him at first," he said, listening carefully to her deep breaths. "I did it at first. And he wanted more. He didn't ask, he just...forced me. And I did it. I did it, and then I did it again, he asked me to, it was never my intention - I said no. I said no so many times it had lost its meaning.  It didn't mean anything. I wanted to push him away but couldn't find the strength. I couldn't fight him. I couldn't use any _real_ strength - I couldn't hurt him. Didn't want to. I was terrified. Parents were downstairs. I remember how he would always scream when we were younger and played and he didn't like something I did. He would always scream and cry so mom would come and ask what's wrong. I was terrified of the same thing happening again. I know we were older and I know it was a different situation, fuck, I know it was all different then. But I couldn't scream. Why would I scream? For help? Me? A brother molester? I was ashamed. I still am. I knew very well that my slate is not clean. I couldn't call for help. What would I say? I started it all. It was me in the beginning. I gave him the reason.

So I just told him to stop.

I think I did.

I don't know.

 _See?_ I don't even know. I _probably_ did."

Her silence was worse than all the possible words of damnation and curse.

"Maud?"

"How old was he?" she asked, voice low and scared. " _How old was he_?"

As if it mattered at all.

 "Sixteen."

" _Antoine_ \- "

"Fifteen or sixteen." He could imagine the look in her eyes and it was all to much for him to take. "Fucking sixteen, he was sixteen, yes! I don't give a fuck, he made me do it, I didn't - I wouldn't - I never - I never wanted to - "

The one word appeared to be too hard to get out. Fucked. He couldn't call it any other way, could he? There was no lovemaking. Just fucking. And the ever-lasting, burning question that has always haunted him - _who fucked whom_? He didn't want any of it, really, he never would want to fuck his own brother - and yet, technically, it was him who fucked little Théo. _Technically_.

But Théo raped him. That was it. That was the worst problem of them all. If he was the one fucking Théo, could he talk of rape at all?

 "I didn't want to do it," he repeated again, this time slowly and clearly, with eyes still closed. "I never wanted to do it."

 "It's Théo," she whispered, and she actually meant _It's not possible, he's your younger brother_.

_Younger brothers don't rape their older siblings. That's not how it works._

His whole body revolted the idea of Maud even thinking this way - everyone has always thought this way and it felt sickening, yet he could never fully show his sickness over this issue - since now. 

"He made me do it," he said again, and it actually sounded put together and calm. 

"How could he - "

 "He did."

" _Oh God._ " Automatically, upon hearing her distressed sigh, he reached out to touch her shoulder but she yanked away and turned to the door to open it. "Need some air," she choked out as she stumbled out of the car and weakly got on her feet outside.

She stood outside for a while, taking in deep breaths while holding onto the open car door, then she rubbed her eyes and looked down as if trying to collect all her thoughts, and that was the last thing he could see before the image was smeared by the tears rising in his eyes. 

He was indeed crying like a child, gasping for air desperately, reminding himself of Théo, months ago, how he cried after he'd poisoned his dog by mistake; and it only made him sicker. He practically kicked the door open and got out of the car.

"What have you done to him?" Maud was breathing heavily, taking in deep, controlled inhales and then exhaling with the same attention. As if she was the one deeply hurt by his words.

As if she physically couldn't take the harsh truth.

As of it was too much for _her_.

Antoine couldn't stand up straight; his whole body hurt and revolted that idea - he had to suffer. A curled up position seemed like the only comfortable one now - on the ground, with some stable support, taking up only as much space as he had to, hiding his face in his hands - yes, that was exactly what he needed. He crouched down on the asphalt surface of the parking lot, hardly even trying to hold back the tears.

"Antoine?"

He didn't look up. Every move now hurt, his body seemed to be almost as broken as his mentality.

She walked around the car, and her footsteps stopped right next to Antoine's slouched body.

" _Antoine_."

 He waited for her next sentence, holding his breath. 

" _You raped him_?"

He let out an inhuman squeal and buried his face in his hands. 


	2. Chapter 2

She stood there by his side, waiting for him to react, or at least calm down, and he realized he can't look up in her eyes. No, he'll never be able to look at her again because now she _knows_ and _doesn't understand_. It wasn't him. It wasn't him, after all, it wasn't him, the aggressor, the predator, or whatever name he could come up with, yet somehow he had all the aspects of one. He was older, stronger, he was the one who touched Théo first.

Had it been any of his mates from the academy that first night when he gave him the handjob, he would do the same. _Come on._ He's never been narrow-minded in anything, let alone experimentation in his teen years. Had any of his friends ended up on a couch or in a bed with him, desperate for some release, he would probably jerk them off too. He knew the stupid jokes, _It's not gay when it's just with hands, haha_ , and he couldn't care less whether it would or wouldn't be _gay_. The word didn't terrify him half as much as some of his mates. _It's alright, bro. It's not gay, bro. I just needed a helping hand, you know... I'm not gay. I'm just lonely here, I didn't have a girl for ages, It's better when someone else does it, you know?_ Jesus Christ, he didn't care. Just shut up and enjoy what you wanted. 

Still, he never offered this friendly helping hand to anyone. Only to his brother. And he made the mistake of assuming it didn't mean anything. 

For one of them, it _meant_ _everything_.

And for the other one, this stupid, idiotic mistake in judgment _cost everything_.

He gagged again, there wasn't enough air in his lungs as his whole body was in a state of a strange, binding agony that wasn't allowing him to breathe, speak nor stand up.

He was so stupid and wrong when he had thought it would mean nothing - just because it was Théo, and he's known him his whole life. He'd thought he knew him. 

He didn't know shit.

 _It was the other way around_. Those words were engraved in his mind - it was the other way around - because that was the truth. That was what he's been through and what stayed with him. 

_He didn't rape him._

He couldn't even think of those words without gagging.

_It was the other way around._

He forced himself onto him - held him down - spoke of the forbidden love - and didn't let him go - and touched him when no-one was looking - and craved more and more - and whenever he got the chance, he just moved closer - and he touched him, kissed him, or at least tried - 

"It was the other way around - " he whispered. 

 _Fuck_ , he wanted to _scream it_ , he wanted to punch the asphalt until his knuckles were all blood and gore - 

But Maud stopped him. She squatted next to his body, he could only see her black boots next to his face.

"What did you say?"

Her voice sounded so brokenhearted that he didn't dare to look up and watch her face. Her heart was broken by him - should he make her hurt twice as much by saying it was all Théo's fault? He can't put the whole blame on him, can he? It would be just stupid - he had his share, oh God, he started it - 

He never made up his mind. In a moment he was almost sure Théo was the one to blame - and immediately, just as he was ready to spit it out, all his own feelings of guilt came up. 

His whole mind and heart as well were torn apart by the mixed feelings - no wonder Théo could manipulate him so well - _that fucking bastard_ \- making him question whether he was a victim at all? Looking at himself - and looking at Théo - it was obvious who came out of their relationship and whatever the hell was happening between them as a victim, who played the role so well. _Théo_. Young, defenseless and vulnerable Théo, so naive, so dumb, so broken. Of course, he ended up being the one affected, right? The partying, the drinking, the restless character, the terribly stupid behavior, irresponsible spending, weird choices of friends - his problems with addictions in any form - his self-harming - wasn't that all something that could develop as a result of that? Some damned mental illness - deep problems - putting his own life and safety in danger - 

Poor, poor Théo. The tragic victim, the sad, lonely soul - 

But wasn't this all just a call for more attention? Wasn't Théo more like those hysteric, overreacting sociopaths, manipulative, never regretting anything - didn't Théo manipulate him into all of this? Wasn't he a brilliant actor? All his complaints, all his attempts of getting his sympathy and love back, playing the victim, always, always, always playing the victim, the misunderstood man not accepted in the evil world outside. The only goal was the sympathy of others - oh, well, not really _the others_ , only Antoine. His self-harming - what was it really for? For attention, yes. For attention, for shocking his brother. _Look what you made me do_ , it was so obvious. _Look at me, I'm gonna hurt myself. You wanna see the blood? It's just because of you. Look, you made your little brother cut his forearms. Are you proud of yourself? I_ _f you don't kiss me, I'm gonna cut my wrists too._

He didn't really believe Théo would do that - but there was a creepy feeling that he would, actually, be able to. Not because he was so deeply damaged and depressed - but just _out of spite_. How do they call it ... suicide for a show? _A show-suicide_? Oh, a demonstrative suicide? Yeah. That was it.

"Antoine?"

He couldn't say anything in return so he just hoped his sister would understand and keep talking.

"Did you say - that it was him - ?"

He shook his head furiously, with fear of having to go into details.

"How could he - ?"

Even Maud herself was afraid to say those words now. Without the right names, they had nothing to build on.

"We used to...fool around a little." He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to pretend this whole discussion was just in his head. Well, what were the excused he always used when his guilt came calling? "You know, I wasn't even living at home by then - "

"By when?"

"When he was sixteen. The summer - you were away." There was clear jealousy in those words. "You weren't even there."

"I _was_ at his birthday party," Maud opposed.

"Yeah, at the party, yes, but this started before - Okay, fuck it, he was fifteen and eleven months, what does it change?!"

"Nothing, nothing - Just - I remember that party."

Antoine did as well. The cake, the balloons, their grandparents arriving an hour late because of yet another strike on the railway, mom joking about big boy Théo, Théo looking embarrassed as any sixteen years old would during a family reunion for his birthday. Grandma's questions - _And what about girls?_ \- and Théo shaking his head. _I don't need any yet_. Mom approved it back then. _Give him time, mom, he's only sixteen_. Antoine's hand tingled and he wanted to smash some of the plates on the floor just for the sake of it.

It was really a fun party. Especially the night after that, the one that Antoine would almost forget later after worse ones came. Théo, drunk on not-even-that-much wine, sat down on his bed and waited for him to come out of the shower. _What are you doing? - Waiting for you. - Why? - Will you take me seriously now? - Now? - I'm sixteen. - Alright. Get in your bed. - No, I'm waiting for you. - I'm here and I'm telling you to fuck off. - Anto, please. -  What do you want?! - Why are you like this? - Like what? - Why can't everything be as it used to be? - It is. - No, it isn't. - Get out of my bed. - No, I'm staying here tonight. - Get out. - No. - What are you, a fucking child? - Ssssh, don't shout so much._

And since that day, he never did.

"So it started before that party?" Maud's voice was surprisingly clear and she sounded very composed, although somehow distant and cold as if there was a greater distance between them.

"I jerked him off. Once - and then again - "

"Why? Why would you even think about this - what is wrong with you, you're his family, he's your family, would you do the same with - with someone else? Would you want to do this with - Jesus, I don't know, with our dad? With me?"

"No, never! - I never would, and I never even thought about it, really. You have to believe me." He knew it must be painfully hard for her to try and believe him anything he was saying. "We always had a different relationship - than with you - "

"But you - you said it was _you_ who did this - _to_ him - "

" _With him_ ," Antoine corrected her.

What he did was _with_ Théo.

What Théo did was _to_ him.

 _Hypocritisim?_ Probably. Or just the power of consent.

"We were just joking, talking, not doing much - and he had an erection. He started rubbing against my leg, well, my feet - I was lying on the couch and he had my feet over his thighs - "

"Jesus Christ - "

"I didn't know what he was up to!" he yelled in frustration, angry at the tone of his sister's voice. "How could I know? We used to be so close - but - normally close, in a quite affectionate, but brotherly way! Isn't it normal? I can't even remember my childhood now because everything seems perverted and wrong - we sometimes took baths together, and you sure remember - you _must_ remember that it was all so normal back then. We had our stupid games, we were just two kids, there was nothing wrong about it."

"He was two or three years old then!"

"And we grew up like that - a normal, healthy, friendly relationship. And this all went to shit when I - - - " He wanted to say it all went to shit when he first touched Théo, inappropriately, he would say, but his train of thoughts was stopped by a small detail he never really paid attention to. "When I left for Spain."

"He missed you, of course, but he never - acted in any weird way."

"He used to be so - _normal_."

Yes, he used to be normal. Maud never thought about how the change happened, she always thought it was just the money - as Antoine's career started and he started getting all that money, he gave most of it to the parents. And to her. And to Théo. He's had enough of it for himself, and later for himself and Erika; and their parents needed a reconstruction of their house, and a new car, Maud wanted to travel with her friends, and Théo - maybe he was too young, he couldn't handle this amount of money, and he just wasted all of it on alcohol and parties. It didn't matter, as there was still more and more of that money pouring in from Madrid. Maud always thought this was the moment Théo started to behave recklessly, irresponsible and stupid in so many cases but no, maybe she was wrong. It started sooner. He used to be the lively child with a vivid imagination, not a very precise student but overall likable and always popular, constantly outside, kicking the ball and bragging about his older brother, a rising football star.

Then something happened - and Maud was terrified to find out that this time corresponded with what Antoine said; when Théo was fifteen or sixteen; it was as if he lost all of his personality, interests, and life - and he became a shadow of Antoine. It started with the clothes, then with hair, with the way he spoke, with the gestures and words and poses and faces and names - 

It all started to make sense.

"I was shocked when he just rubbed against me but I thought - well, he's in that age, and he's never had a girl, he's a bit...wild now. But I was disgusted. At first, I thought it's just...embarrassing, unwanted, awkward - but he was rubbing against me. So I snapped and shouted at him about it. And I stormed out of the room. But in the evening, I found him lying on the bed in our bedroom. He looked so sad, lonely and desperate - I couldn't be angry at him anymore." He wasn't even talking in his normal voice by now, he was whispering, hoping that Maud can hear him. "I wanted to help him."

"This is not helping - "

"He needed me that night. He needed to know I wasn't angry at him and everything was fine - There was no easier way of doing that than...just joining him in the bed and..."

"Yeah."

 "I didn't fuck him then. I didn't want to - and I never wanted to! - This was solidarity, something I thought we'll get over in a week - just - - - It's so stupid, isn't it?"

"How could you even do that? He's your brother, for fuck's sake, couldn't you do this with your friends? - Or with - anyone _else_ , practically?"

" _He_ was the one who needed me."

"There are so many other ways to show you care or that you love the other - What has happened to you, Antoine? Where the fuck did you put your mind?"

"I didn't think it would matter at all, alright? I thought it will be a secret. A stupid secret, something nobody would care about, something we might laugh about in a few years."

"Are you _sick_?"

"Yes." His voice was hoarse, he didn't expect to get into talking so much. He just needed to say it all aloud, all those thoughts that have been hidden inside of his head for so long. "I am. It wasn't a big deal - it couldn't be! - I thought so. Because he's my brother. And this was a silent mutual agreement. I thought we'd just...never talk about it again. It happened and - it didn't seem like a big deal - if he did it himself and I was in the same room at that moment - it wouldn't be that much different - "

"Oh God, it would! It would be different, what are you talking about?!"

"I'm sorry - "

She grabbed him by the shoulder and made him turn around and look up, at her, at the sky, at the world around. The spell of the moment was over - when he had his eyes tight shut, he felt like he was talking to himself only, to his own mind and thoughts, and that it was all still secret. Now it was all clear. Maud knew. The world knew. He bit his shaking lip to stop the sobbing.

"He made me - he made me continue this relationship - "

"It's not a relationship! It's some fucking - twisted - sick - "

Maud's voice was the only thing saving him from going crazy now. "You need help, Antoine," she spoke, and he could hear she was crying. "I can't believe you - but you need some professional help - "

"It's all true," he insisted. She was crying. He was crying. Why was it so hard to accept the truth. Théo wasn't even there. "Later - he wanted me to fuck him. He wanted me to love him - in this way - and when I refused, he made me to. And he always - he always got what he wanted - he's got a system, you know?" He smirked bitterly. "He's self-harming," he added in a plain, flat voice. "He uses this all as a way of blackmailing me."

"You both need help," she said, wrapping her hands around his shoulders. It felt like absolution. She wasn't afraid of him, she wasn't terrified. She refused to believe him, and yet she still cared. She probably thought he made this all story up - but why would he do that? She hugged him and held him close. Her own body was shaking as she was openly crying now. "You need to talk to someone - "

"I've got you - "

"I can't - I don't believe this all - "

He couldn't blame her. 

" _It's Théo_ ," she mumbled as if that was enough of a reason.

Yeah. It's Théo. It's always been Théo. 

He wouldn't believe her either if she told him Théo have done this to her. It couldn't be. Rape, incest, and abuse looked different in his mind. Those words couldn't apply to Théo. Théo was just a little brother with crazy colored hair, a drinking problem and empty, vain life. He's always been his little brother - hell, he's always been _their_ little brother. He wrapped his hands around Maud as well, feeling safe, pure and clean in her embrace again. 

"It's Théo," he repeated after her bluntly. 

"He's always loved you so much," Maud whispered. 

 _Too much_ , he wanted to add. _Too much._


End file.
